Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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