I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
