can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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