I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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