even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
