Is it because I queefed?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
