Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
