While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
