Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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