God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
