I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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