I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
