I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
