No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
