I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
