He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
dude i'm inner monologue high
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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