New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
