well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
