I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There's always time for handjobs
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
