Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
