You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
