oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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