textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
