I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
