____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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