i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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