Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
