How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
