I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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