i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
