i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
