the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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