just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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