The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
