I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
