Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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