I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
