tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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