maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
