Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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