I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
