I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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