u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
