can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
