i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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