Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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