I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
