She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
