Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
