I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
