Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
