I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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