I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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