I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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