I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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