I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
